Sometimes purging is good for the soul

Current mood: emotional

For those of you the have been reading my blog for awhile you know that I used to talk about the church Stefan and I went to. Mostly it was bragging on the church or joking with the pastor through the blog. You may have noticed that I have not mentioned this at all lately and there is a reason. After Easter a situation occurred between the pastor and myself that led to Stefan and I walking away from the church we had attended with the kids for two years. I was vague about the situation then as I will continue to be now. Suffice it to say that I was deeply hurt and affected by this for quite some time. My confidence in church leaders was shaken. Everyone I talked with about the situation said that it got out of control and I agree.

Stefan and I tried another church that was not a good fit. It was also too soon. We stopped trying to find another church all together. I think he was waiting on me. I wasn't ready. I missed the old church. I missed the people there. I missed the laid back atmosphere. Nothing the other church we tried seemed to compare. At this time, too, my blog underwent a change. I stopped talking so much about my feelings or what I thought about things and shifted to talking more or less about the daily happenings in our house - mostly to do with the kids. The reason for this was that I had been judged for some of my later posts saying that I was a person that liked to complain or play the victim. I didn't believe then nor do I now that that was the case. This blog is my personal journal - one that I have invited people to read if the choose. I tried not to censor what I was saying in my posts because I print this blog into a hardcover bound copy to keep as archives like any other journal and later when I or someone else reads through them, I would like them to be true to who I am not someone somebody else thinks I should be.

It took me a couple months of praying to be able to come to some sort of peace about the situation that led to our separation. I emailed the pastor and told him that I forgave him because I didn't believe that he was as behind his words as he had claimed to be when the situation was at its hottest. I was right to some degree and he emailed me back giving me the closure I needed.

I'm not sure when or why but I let go of my desire for a church search and just turned within. I know that's not enough. I didn't know what else to do. Recently, I started thinking about resuming the search. Little did I know, Stefan also was thinking the same. Lexi even recently asked me when we would be going to church again. I didn't know what to say to her.

Last week, while Stefan was out for his Sunday morning ride on Anita, he decided to stop by the old church to test the waters and see how well we would be received. He got less than what he had hoped for, but was still satisfied nonetheless. Satisfied enough, in fact, to call the pastor and speak with him about our possibly returning. I wasn't sure how to feel about this. There were a couple of other churches I wanted to explore first before going back there. I put my trust in God that He would lead the way.

Last night Stefan asked me if I wanted to go to church. I knew what he meant. Did I want to go back to that church? I didn't think I did but didn't give him an answer either. I decided that I would just see what I was led to do in the morning.

When I was up with Abby this morning I felt that we should go to a church. I had one in mind south of us and knew that their services started at 10. At 8:30 I got in the shower to get ready. Stefan and Lexi were still sleeping. When I got out of the shower I woke Stefan and Lexi up and everyone was in motion. Apparently, not fast enough. We were not able to make it to the 10 a.m. service at the church I had in mind. The old church had a service that started at 10:30 so we decided to go there.

During the car ride there, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I was nervous. So many questions were running through my head - so many unknowns. Would I be comfortable? Would we be turned away by someone that didn't know we had an open door to return as per the pastor's email? Would a "situation" go down in front of the kids? Stefan had been assured that no scenes would be made in his phone call, but one person cannot speak for all the others. We all know this.

We got out of the car and I began to have second thoughts. I wasn't sure I wanted to be there at all. But Lexi had already seen the building and was looking forward to going inside. I'd hate to deny that. We were walking slowly to the building when a sweet, familiar face approached me. A nice woman from the church that I had befriended through her blog and continued the friendship in a Home Team, a church organized group that meets once a week.

"I had a feeling you would be here this week," she says to me giving me the warmest hug I've had in a long time.

"How?"

"I just had a feeling. You've been on my mind all week."

It was like God had put her there knowing that I wanted to turn and run. He put her there to show me that it wasn't going to be as bad as I thought. It gave me courage. It helped me roll my shoulders back a little bit and walk a little taller when we crossed the threshold into the building although inside I was quaking like a child waiting for a shot at the doctor's office.

Once inside, Lexi pulled me over to the juice table. That used to be her routine - get a cup of juice and a piece of candy and then off to church she would go. When we sat down with her juice I saw, out of the corner of my eye, two more welcoming faces - the leaders of the aforementioned Home Team to which I had once belonged. In fact, I emailed this couple a few days ago because returning to this church had been on my mind. I needed guidance. I needed assurance. I didn't know who else to ask. They are old enough to be young parents to me. I kind of saw them as my church mom and dad when we used to meet for HT and I still look up to them for guidance in all things spiritual and/or church related. They had been on vacation when I sent the email. They returned at 1 a.m. this morning. Again with the warm hugs and kind words. I am so grateful for people like this. They assured me that if I still need to, we will talk later about my concerns. They are two of the sweetest people you will every meet. So kind and thoughtful and forgiving. I could really learn from these people. I already have.

Anyway, we settled the kids in their rooms and then settled ourselves in for the service. The worship band was already playing. I missed this. There were a couple of times during worship where I almost cried thinking of the bad and the good that put me where I was. I don't know if I was really paying attention to the songs. I had a lot going through my mind. Then the pastor got on stage and started giving his sermon. I love the way this guy delivers a message - so raw, so real. His wife even joined him at one point - a first. I felt at ease.

After the service we picked up the kids and were leaving the building. The anxiousness returned. I knew that the staff would be in the corridor shaking hands and whatnot and there was no way to really sneak past them unnoticed. A million things were going through my mind - I couldn't tell you what they are now because I don't know. I just know that there was a lot going through my mind. Then the pastor reaches between a couple of people and grabs Stefan's hand and shakes it. Stefan obliges. I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do - what to say. The pastor then says my name. At that moment, I was like a deer caught in the headlights. I didn't know what to do. I still have a couple of trust issues (apparently I've forgiven and haven't necessarily forgotten). I feel like he can smell fear and I'm afraid. Of what, I don't know. I can't look him in the eye. I panic, flash a quick smile, and keep on walking.

I don't know if Stefan and I will ever feel as comfortable there as we once had. I'm not ruling it out, I just don't know. What I do know is this, too many things happened that led us to that church this morning - too many things to chalk them up to coincidence. It was God at work and I can't and shouldn't ignore that. I guess we'll just have to see what the future brings.